I have never been more homesick in my entire life. I mentioned that things regarding college life were looking better in my last post, but I would like to scratch that. For the one night they were, but I’m lucky to make it past breakfast without crying now because I am so absolutely miserable.
I am from St. Louis, which for those of you who do not know, is on the eastern edge of Missouri. I am currently attending the University of Missouri – Kansas City which is on the western edge of Missouri. About a four hour drive from home. When I was looking for schools to attend, I thought that that was the perfect distance. Far enough to get away, but close enough to come home.
Except I can’t come home.
Andrew got into a wreck yesterday in which he most likely totaled his car (still has to hear back from the mechanic) and I have no way to get to the train or bus station and don’t particularly want to fork out $60 for either, round trip. So here I am, stuck in a place I know nothing about, with nobody that I know, attending classes I know nothing about for a degree in a major that I don’t know yet!
If you can’t tell, right now I know absolutely nothing.
So in situations like this where I feel so ridiculously alone and I miss my friends and family and everything about the way I used to live my life, I do what I do best: cry. I mean I can’t even read a text message from my mom or an e-mail from my dad without crying. I posted a status on Facebook about how I could really use prayer and a lot of friends and family commented on it and just glancing at it made me start to cry.
I’m technically enrolled as a French major here, but I already know that that is not what I want to do. So I’m taking this French class which is dreadful. The professor seems real nice, but everything is just way over my head. I’m just completely lost. While I know that it’s college and the classes will be difficult, I didn’t expect this total confusion. So the other night I had a complete melt-down on the phone with my mom about all of this. And she was wonderful as always, saying she believes in me, blah blah blah. But it just made me cry even harder because I didn’t want to let her down but I just want to quit so bad.
I’m just absolutely miserable. I don’t know what I want to do in life, so I don’t know what classes to take here in college and I just feel like I’m wasting my time and money. I know I should be thankful for the opportunity, but I feel so alone and lost. I just don’t think I can last through the whole semester.
So here’s my confession that I hate college and really really just want to go home. But I can’t, which I know I can’t, which makes me cry. And as always, I can’t stop.